Thursday, April 28, 2011

Listen Skinny Bitch....

I think the thing that put me over the edge was a conversation with my trainer yesterday.  So here I am working my 300 lb ass off on the treadmill yesterday and my trainer who weighs probably a buck twenty five (125 lbs) soaking wet starts talking about taking my measurements.  I tell her that's fine, but honestly I don't really care about numbers as much as I care about how I feel.  True to form, she doesn't listen to anything I say and responds in her perky little girl voice "I don't know if you have somewhere to go this summer...maybe a wedding..." and I think to myself are you kidding me?  So I tell her in a not-so-friendly and matter-of-fact voice "that's what skinny women say."  "Skinny people are worried about losing 10 lbs so they can look better than their friends at the next big event."  "Fat people don't care about losing 10lbs for a wedding...we care about feeling better."  "I'm going to tell you this once.  I DON'T CARE ABOUT NUMBERS, I CARE ABOUT HEALTHY."  As I kept walk/jogging on the treadmill I was thinking to myself, yeah, that's right I weigh 300 lbs but dang, if I only weighed 290 lbs I would be the hottest chick's no wonder us heavy people often feel alone.  It isn't as easy as just losing 10 lbs....don't get me wrong, every 10 lbs makes a difference but have some sensitivity people.....think about what you say. 

The honest truth is, as I go on this journey I will be watching the scale and sharing what it says on this blog but it will not define my weight-loss success.  I will know I am successful when I can get on a roller coaster with my kids and not have to worry about the safety restraint fitting.  I will know I am successful when I feel like a vixen in the bedroom.  I will know I am successful when I can STOP taking my high blood pressure and diabetes meds.  THAT is what will define my success......

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

It's kind of a big deal, why do I feel like the Doctor doesn't think so?

I've been overweight for a lot of years now.  So many I've lost track but if I had to guess I would say slightly overweight for the last 19 and seriously overweight for the last 12.  Sadly, after I write that it makes me think "overweight is overweight" right?  Why do I think it wasn't so bad those first 7 years?  "Hello, this is reality talking.  You have been overweight for 19+ years.  P.E.R.I.O.D."

I've been contemplating bariatric surgery for a long time.  It's been a long journey so far just getting to this point.  The point of accepting.  Honestly, I don't know if I'm on board 100% yet but I think I'm pretty close.  I've decided to have the Gastric Sleeve surgery and I'm 21 days out.  Really if you add in the pre-op special diet time I'm only 11 days out.  It feels really daunting. 

I don't have the best relationship with my Doctor's office and that isn't helping much.  I suppose I expect too much, but you know what, I'm a Mom, a wife and a daughter and having this surgery isn't something to be taken lightly so I sort of think it's okay that I expect a lot, right?  Are ya with me? 

So, in a nutshell this is actually the second time I've been scheduled for surgery and since neither has really lived up to my expectations and I'm still feeling like I would like some guidance I figure there might be other people out there, in anticipation of my recovery (to a more healthy weight) I thought this might be a great way to reach out.  A place to say what's on my mind, a place to listen to what's on yours and since I've gotten little guidance from any doctors, a place to put together the resources I find.

Here we go, wish me luck!